Healing Art

The Fraudulent Widow

2011-11-13T01:50:00.001-08:00

Got this photo from here.I have a confession to make.And to many of you it will sound preposterous.No doubt many of you will think that I am out of touch, delusional or didn’t have a “good” marriage.Some of you won’t believe me or won’t want to believe me.I am not of the widow crowd that believes that my husband, Art, was “my one and only love in my life.” I don’t believe God put me on this

Guilt of a Happy Widow

2011-10-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Got this little Nutella freak from here“Hey! How are you?” she asks.With that question a hand is placed gently on my upper arm. Her eyes are round, her voice soft and kind, as if she were talking to a person who is old.I wonder “Do I look ill? Is the lack of sleep that apparent?”My friend wants to know, to…really… knowhow I’m doing.Only her assumption is that I’m not doing well. After all,

Sudden Grief

2011-10-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Got this photo from hereI’m with her and we are walking to find the bathroom in Macy’s. Pallas (my daughter) and I have just been bra shopping...for her.A momentous occasion full of “Moooommmm!” and “Why are you looking at me that way?!”She has requested this shopping excursion and I go along, resisting the urge to take photos and whip out the recorder to “document” the occasion. (Langston

He's Not Here?

2011-09-25T00:23:00.001-07:00

Last weekend we moved. Our new place is smaller, more intimate. I like it. It’s simpler to manage. (There are only so many places Ezra’s left shoe can be!) It makes sorting through the boxes and boxes of stuff I should have sold, much simpler. (If it stays, exactly where is it going to go, Kim?) And I feel lighter here, less weighed down by stuff and keeping track of the stuff so I

Fever, Clothes and Backwards

2011-08-20T22:00:00.001-07:00

The last two days I've been sick. Fever. I found myself lying in my bed, the wrong way. Backwards (head where my feet usually are, feet where my head usually is) The fever is making me feel backwards. I'm preparing to move from the house the kids, Art and I have been in for 6 years. (Huh. The kids and I have been here for six, Art only 4.) It means going into his closet and getting rid of

Happy

2011-08-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

photo by EzraI’m gonna come out and say it.I’m happy.I’m a widow andI’m happy.It’s not because of another man either,and I didn’t win the lottery.I didn’t discover extra life insurance money or an extra $20,000 in my savings account.I still haven’t found a new place to live. (If you live in LA, I’m looking for a 3 bdrm, 2 bath on the Westside. Hey, ya never know!)And no, I have not been

Two Year Ago

2011-07-30T21:33:00.001-07:00

Two years ago, less than three months after he died, I went looking for him.I rememberd this today, as I made a to-do list. Things that need to happen before two of my three kids fly back east, without me. Even now, the notion of looking for him makes sense.So, I went back to the post I wrote on August 4, 2009.----- The chair where he always sat by the water in Maine. This place is

Mattering

2011-07-24T00:02:00.001-07:00

my daughter Pallas (2nd from the left) and her friendsShe says to me “Kim, you’re important. Other widows want to meet you. They ask if you will be there.”I was talking to Michelle, the founder of this blog, Camp Widow, Widow’s Village and Soaring Spirits Foundation.She was trying to convince me to come to widow camp.I wasn’t going. Even though I live just two hours away.I wasn’t going.I’m

"Our Struggle"

2011-07-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

“We’ve all had our struggles…”And that’s when I stop listening. For her to throw the death of my husband, the life that I lead trying (and failing most of the time) to keep my head above water, for her to lump me in with someone’s divorce, or hospital stay or job loss (well….job loss maybe), for her to insinuate that being a young widow raising kids was “just” another life struggle….Oooooo

Grief from A Child

2011-07-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }.MsoChpDefault { font-family: Cambria; }div.WordSection1 { page: WordSection1; } This is what Ezra has to say about grief. He wants you to pay attention

How Did He Die?

2011-07-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

I’m at the bank, not my usual branch.Comments are made about how tall my youngest is.“He’s only 9?”I nod.What I want to do is roll my eyes, and hand her a card that says:“Thank you for noticing that my child is tall. Hopefully he will be a tall man some day. I have trained him to smile and say “Thank you,” even though he has nothing to do with how tall he is or how tall he will be. Now

Widow vs. Widow

2011-07-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

She said “Well, at least you got to say good-bye.”Anger rises in me because I see her comment as one of those my-situation-is-worse-than-yours comments.Anger because she wants to beat me to the bottom, to claim more grief, more anger, more despondency than me.Anger because really? Do we have to have this conversation? I’ve had it before but about skin color with a white friend who was saying

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T00:44:00.001-07:00

July 2008, MalibuSo I was gonna try and ignore Father’s Day.It’s Father’s Day and my kids don’t have one.I was gonna just treat it like every other Sunday only….Well last time I tried to run from one of the “big” days,like his anniversary death date,like his birthday,like random days when his loss seems to be around every corner,I get slammed,Emotionally beat up,eaten and then spewed out.It took

Every Sunday

2011-05-22T00:10:00.001-07:00

(Written 2/2011)Every Sunday it happens.I go into my office to print out the grocery list.And find myself on the computerSearching for……a distraction,a reason,a gift,something that will ease the unease.I read the past week’s posts of the other widows.I look at my emails.I answer the ones that don’t take much out of me.Finally, I refocus but not before I feelOverwhelmedby the emailsthat require me

A Different Grief

2011-05-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

Pallas and LangstonIt was a lovely evening. I could feel the exhaustion running all the way into my finger tips and for once I welcomed it. It was 9:30 pm. I checked the clock 7 times to make sure I hadn’t misread it.9:30 pm and for once all three of my children were in bed and….asleep.A self-congratulatory smirk (accompanied with a sigh of unimaginable relief) passes over my lips. I’m in

730 Days

2011-04-16T15:26:00.001-07:00

@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }.MsoChpDefault { font-family: Cambria; }div.WordSection1 { page: WordSection1; } Written on April 15, 2011 729 days and 22 hours ago… we were

Sex, Sensuality and Sadness

2011-04-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sex. I’ve been thinking about it lately.And I really miss it. I miss the animal-ness of having another sweaty body pressed down against mine, the sounds, the smell.I miss being openly desired, I miss teasing, I miss all the foreplay that comes before. I miss being sexy. I miss being a sensual woman.And I find myself unsure if I even know how to be sensual outside of him.I know I don’t have

Ugly and Forgiveness

2011-04-05T10:16:00.001-07:00

This is post from March 26, 2010I've been going back to find myself, to ground this experience, to find a way to mark the growth, the good changes and all the challenges I have overcome.I'm been going back to find courage. This is what the post said.-------@font-face { font-family: "Cambria Math"; }@font-face { font-family: "Calibri"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin:

The New Road

2011-03-27T00:22:00.001-07:00

some where on the I-5 in CA heading south862 miles 14 hours in the car in two days .Less actually, because we left at  1:00 pm on Friday  and got back tonight (Saturday) at 7:00 pm.  It started with a casual comment. "Hey, you guys wanna go to Sacramento to the State Championship Basketball games for the boys and the girls varsity teams?" I asked my kids on Tuesday.  "Sure." came their reply,

The Ghost of Art

2011-03-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

I read one of his journals today.I read it becauseI soldour bed,in three hours.I had to empty out his bedside table (they went too) before the guy came to pick it up.Later, as I try to decide wherea mattresson a floor would look best,in MY room,I get side trackedand sift throughthe box of stuff from the bedside tables. I sit down, pick up a journal and read.It starts in June 1995, 6 months after

Tired

2011-02-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

I’m tired of being a widow.I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me.I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more.I’m tired of waking up by myself.I’m tired of being solely responsible for:Bringing in all the incomePaying all the billsMaking sure the kitchen is clean.Preparing the kids for their car pool.I’m

Get the BLEEP Away from Me!!

2011-02-21T20:58:00.001-08:00

Take your hands off of me!I said get away from me!Only you don't understand it cause the words that are coming from my mouth are..."Damn it, L! How many times do I need to tell you to pick up, wipe off, clean up your _____ (insert typical mother rant hear.)I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!" I yell.Really wanting to throttle him,to give my hands something to dowith rage,disappointment,anger,hopelessness,

The Smell

2011-02-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

I didn’t mean to.I was only trying to helpTo help himBecause he missed you so much.He was in your closet.He came out and said,“It doesn’t smell like Daddy anymore.”He looked so sad.He looked so forlorn.So I showed him my secret.Your cap.The one I have kept folded upTightIn a Ziplock bag,Stashedin my bedside table.I unzipped it.We both inhaled.It smelled like you.And then his face

Emergency

2011-02-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

Ever sinceApril 16, 2009I have struggledwithwhat name to putin the blank spacethat saysIn Case of EmergencyI loathe that blank space.It reminds meno one will love my kidsas ferociously,as tenderly,as fullyas Art did.It makes mewant to gobacktobed.

Another

2011-01-30T00:05:00.001-08:00

I had a conversation yesterday with another widow.Sorry, a widowerHe wanted to meet me after his sister, a friend, showed him my black widow photo.It was a conversation that felt good, connected and real.It was a conversation with laughter and head nodding (which he didn’t see cause we were on the phone.)It was a conversation of understanding.It was a conversation of “Oh!! ME TOO!”It was a

Death Sucks

2011-01-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was wearing this t-shirt the other day.It was a "you think your life is bad, I dare you to try mine" day.I was feeling righteous.I was feeling mad.I was feeling "How dare you world go on and leave me here, in this life, struggling today to just do enough.How dare you!"I was willing to take it out on any poor sap who dared comment about death sucking.So I put on the t-shirt, hoping that one

On a Four Star Floor

2011-01-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

@font-face { font-family: "Times"; }@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "ＭＳ明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }.MsoChpDefault { font-family: Cambria; }div.WordSection1 { page: WordSection1; } Written on Thursday, January 13, 2011

All I Can Be Is Who I Am

2011-01-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

Pallas was assigned this book in school. I would read sections of it to her. The first time I read the section below out loud, I could not finish it. I was sobbing as Pallas watched me curiously. Mau had put into words the way I feel about being a widow. I hope you will read the entire quote for nothing I have read has fully encompassed what widowhood means to me than this single

Wonder Woman Again

2010-12-19T20:23:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday night, I went on a second datedressed asWonder Woman.I know...right?!The back story: We tried to get together and then he was making cracks via email about how busy I am and then he asked if I was out saving the world, or something like that.He made a joke about my invisible airplane. His last comment to me before we met was "Don't forget your cape!"And like someone shoving me in the

Exhaustion

2010-12-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

Exhaustion runs through meso thoroughlythat I am sure my body now uses itin place of 30% of my blood.I can't think.Eating feels too strenuousunless I can rip open a bag.And then if I do,what I eat is so tastelessthat I end up spitting it outinto the garbage.Why bother making the effort to chew that crap.I look haggard,drawn,tight.My skin does not reflect exuberancebut looks more like a pond that

Value Added

2010-12-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

I said good bye to this guy a few days ago. Actually what I said was, “Let's just call this what it seems to have turned into, a friendship.…”I did it in an an email cause I tried to break it off once before over the phone and I moronically then asked him if he wanted a second chance (I KNOW!!! I KNOW…not my finest moment in the newly learning-to-date world.)I hit send, then slammed my fist into

Wild Crazy

2010-11-07T01:22:00.000-07:00

L, my 13 yr old is taking French. The Spanish classes met at the same time as the Jazz Ensemble and Chamber Orchestra. He plays the cello. And he says “Mom, what would really help me is if we went to France.” And I say, “Ok, wanna go this summer?” This is not a bluff. I have spent the past three weeks deciding where we will live (Chamonix region). I have checked out vacation homes

Wise Ass Widow

2010-10-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

My Halloween CostumeGuess what I am!Art was in my head all day saying, "Babe, don't say anything. Let them figure it out."But we are opposites.Here's a hint. I'm a kind of spider. I'm a kind of widow.

The New Widow Card

2010-09-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

So there's this guy...he likes me and I like himAnd when we are together, we giggle.With him, I remember how much I like to laugh, the kind of laughter that makes my belly hurt.And thenthere's this other guy, who when he smiles at meI can't say a damn thing intelligent.The energy coming off of him says "Good kisser."If only I could find the courage to see if I'm right.And then there were those

Ashes to Life

2010-09-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Pallas and Ezra with Art in the box with the bow.Last weekend......We're at the ranch.It's my cousin's place.90 acreshorses, sheep, ponds, creeksandATVs.It's our second home. It's the place where we escape our noisy city lives. It's the place Art wanted to be sprinkled. I left part of him here in May 09, 1 month after his death. I left him in a box. That was placed above my cousin's book

Ezra

2010-09-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Mom, I wish Daddy hadn't died then you wouldn't have to do so much."His statement came at the end of an argument about monitoring their Xbox use, something they bought by pooling their allowance and working jobs for neighbors.I had just listed, in detail all that I have to monitor. The list was something like this"I have to make sure you:get up for schooleat breakfastget ready for schoolget to

Uncle

2010-09-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post may be unsettling. It was written in June. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want someone calling Child Protection Services, a threat that was made. Please know that I am better. Please know that I continue to fight and function. Please know that I am here.I thought about it today.And yesterdayActually been thinking about it for 5 days straight.Considering different ways to do

Ours to Mine

2010-09-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Our wedding rings are no more.His was so huge. My 6'6" husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ringand put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in.I don't remember when I took off my wedding bands.Long enough so that wearing a ring on my "wedding" finger feels odd.I needed something that would represent us, who we were, who we will always be.Something that

Act of Faith

2010-08-29T05:53:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 27thI put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids.I drive away before the bus does.And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry.Putting them on a bus is..an Act of Faith.Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed bodies at some retched morgue. Faith that they

Other People's Grief

2010-08-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow.Tonight I saw it on them.In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief.Other people dealing with the loss of…. my husband.Other people…. missing him.Other people… tearing up

Before or After?

2010-08-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet?Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after?Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature?Was I friends with her before or after Art died?Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after?This is the new question I’ve been asking lately.And most of the time I can’t remember. And it surprises

Grief-in-Action

2010-08-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm here at Camp Widow in San Diego.I videotaped the room full of us widows clapping.And now that I am trying to post it, I'm not sure it's working.Frustration is on my shoulders, my wrinkled brow and scrunched up eyes.After an hour of searching and trying solutions, I don't know if any of them will work and I feeldefeated and completelyunable to cope.Unable to cope. Words that came out of

Content

2010-08-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

On vacation with the kids in Ixtapa, Mexico. My financial struggle having just ended. Not sure what to write about it. After all the months, (years really) After ALL these months of anger, sadness, resentment, hopelessness, joy, surprise, discovery, light, regret and hope, I find myself at odds with ……dare I call it, contentment.I’m not sure. I don’t feel overjoyed to be here. I don’t feel

Gushing

2010-07-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve written ELEVEN Thank you notes this week.ELEVEN!!!Eleven hand written notes filled with gratitude and gratefulness for the things people in my life did for me. There were the three dinners I had at friend’s houses that included a great amount of laughter and connection and the feeding of my three children. One went to the paralegal who was kind and understanding. And one to the lawyer who

Lying

2010-07-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ok I admit it.I’ve been lying.Not really lying buuutttttt not telling the full truth.Because well, people look at me funny when I say, “I’m good!” “I’m doing well.” after they ask “How are you?”I interpret their look to mean “but she’s a widow.”While writing lately, I’ve stayed within the imaginary widow party lines that says widows are always sad and lonely and forlorn.I’m not.Not always.Not

The Other Side

2010-06-27T02:11:00.000-07:00

I got into a silly argument.I said you can’t protect him.They said yes we can and they said we resent being told we cannot.And after I read those words I dope slapped myself.They are on the other side.They are on the side where sure, sure random “bad” things can happen but to other people. But as parents we can navigate and shield our child from them. Their side says “We CAN keep him safe.”

Sssshhhhhh!!!!

2010-06-11T12:07:00.001-07:00

Shhh! Do NOT talk about them. Do not bring them up in conversation! Pretend they don’t exist.Proper widows talk about proper topics. These two topics are socially don’t-ask-just-assume-the-best topics. Only the bold among my friends will broach the subjects.SEXSex with a man I like is delicious, scrumptious, enticing, drug like, fun, exhilarating --- oh but wait....I, widow (female) am not too

Men

2010-05-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

I love men.I love their athletic arms and their athletic legs.I love the way they smile when they like me, when they look at me. I like how I see their wheels turning, those sexual creatures. I like how I know how to stand with my butt just a little bit out so they can get a better look. I like how for some of them, it makes their day. I like the power I have, how they get goofy when I smile at

Happy Mother's Day?

2010-05-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Kids and I on a hike. 2007Since Day 365 I have been haunted by Art. It’s like making it to that day I somehow expected that he’d show up at the door and yell “Just Kidding!” …at which point I would beat him to a pulp and then cover every bloody inch of him with kisses. After Day 367 that fact that he's not coming back is more real, almost tangible. And it makes me so very, very sad.

Overheard Conversation

2010-05-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

Heaven is just behind him. Do you see it?(On a car trip to a friend's house for a play date as told to me by B's dad.)B: I have two houses now. My mamma and papa aren't living together anymore.Ezra: I have two homes too.Ezra: I have one in heaven.

Avoiding

2010-04-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm avoiding...my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (Its been cold in LA)cause he's in there, waiting for me and I don't want to see himfeel his emptiness,be held only by his memorySo I'm up. It's one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running,avoiding,ducking,and running some more,until the loss of him catches meand I sink into the

Day 365

2010-04-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

The impromptu Memory Wall that went up in Ezra's classroom today. Art's sister looks on as other students add to the wallTodaywasabeautiful day.I amhere.At day 365not just standingbut rootedgratefulandjoyful to take the next breath. The grief is not gone.Do not be fooled.It will lurk within mesurface at unforgettable momentsuntil I draw my last breath.But todayT-O-D-A-YI amI amgrateful to

I'm OK?

2010-04-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

Today looked like this....I got up.I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor.I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away.I drove giggling...my lateness, some things never change.I didn't know anyone in the class.I didn't feel like knowing anyone from the class.At the class, I didn't eat the granola bar, tossed the too sweet yogurt and drank 4 little

Ugly

2010-03-26T11:33:00.000-07:00